It’s been a long 5 months. And surprise, things have not gone as expected.
I had a dedicated 4 months of saving nearly 80% of my paychecks, of saying no, of spread sheet making, travel planning, I read dozens of country’s State Department pages, and then Burning Man happened. To say I’ve lost my direction would be a massive understatement in regards to the current state of my life. But, I’ve only been back in default world for 2 days… so I’m going to cut myself some slack.
My Burning Man journey really began this year when I went to my first regional Burning Man event, Burn in the Forest (BitF) in Vancouver, BC. It was a very last minute decision brought on by the opportunity to ranger the event. It was amazing to see so many members of my queer burner community outside of the dusty Nevada burn. To see them laying on rocky beds by the river, sitting in the clean grass, and complaining of tiny spiders instead of art car sized boogers, was really quite special.
BitF also brought out a very important realization while I was participating in what I like to refer to as an “extra circular activity.” I escaped to my tent to find a moment of solitude from the event. Even a regional burning man event with 2 thousand people can be over stimulating and over whelming. Burning Man is very intimate. If you aren’t ready to fully embrace that intimacy, it can be jarring. I was lying in my tent trying to slow my breaths and figure out what was stressing me out so much. Why was I running from this atmosphere I craved and missed all year?
Well, getting into every thought that raced across my mind would be an unnecessarily long and potentially boring journey, but what it came down to was the pressure of this October date. In October I am going to quit my job, I am going to go on a RTW trip (mostly by myself). In October I will have my shit together, I will be able to have the Burning Man experience I want… it will all be fine. I was far from being ready. As I sat in my little hiking tent, unable to stand, unable to comfortably change, clean myself, have a moment… I thought to myself, no way is this how I’m going to live for two weeks in the mother fucking desert.
The moment I returned from BitF is when my burn got started. I let go of this October date, my tight budget, and the whole trip plan for that matter. I didn’t want to start in South America, I didn’t want to leave in October. I didn’t even know if international travel was what was most important. It’s just the journey, the leaving. It is knowing that whatever it is that I’m doing right now in life, isn’t the right thing. This is not my long term life. And the solution does not need to come in October, in fact there is no fucking way it is coming in October.
Good things are coming. I’m just figuring out what these things are.